what i’m reading
“Because this mess I made I made with love.” – Vuong
Last week I mentioned the poet Ocean Vuong. When I went to dig into Time is a Mother this week, his recent book of poetry, I discovered that I had a signed copy! Given that I fangirl so hard over writers I like, this was one of the highlights of my week—life, after all, is about simple pleasures!
Reading the book, however, went beyond simple pleasures. While I’ve never heard anything described as a complex pleasure, it would be an apt phrase in this case.
The poems work together to walk us through his grief over losing his uncle to suicide, the generational trauma of being born in the wake of war, and the alienation he experiences as a queer immigrant in a country not built for him. At the same time, the poems also demonstrate finding joy in the pleasures of being alive—both the simple and complex pleasures.
There are so many themes in this book that I would love to flesh out, but the one that is perhaps the most interesting to me is his ongoing insistence that strength and beauty can be found in vulnerability.
This belief comes up in many ways, one of which is in the form of aesthetic judgments. He writes, “For as long as I can remember I’ve had a preference for mediocre bodies, including this one.” Despite the fact that I am originally from Southern California, where being “bikini ready” is practically a religion (with the corresponding ascetic and punishing practices that accompany religion), I too share Vuong’s preference, as well as the appreciation for my own body, with its (many) imperfections.
On a less superficial level, Vuong asserts that “Nobody’s free without breaking open.” This is a bold statement insofar as most of us work hard to conceal from others the cracks that would expose our vulnerabilities—we work hard to prevent ourselves from breaking. And yet, Vuong suggests that it is precisely these efforts that keep us from being free. I interpret this freedom to be that which is found in being who and what we are: vulnerable—broken—people with (perhaps) mediocre bodies and lackluster accomplishments (indeed, he calls himself a loser through the book, though this is hard for me to wrap my head around given that he is the recipient of the 2019 MacArthur “Genius Grant”).
And yet, despite his distinguished writing career, there is a humility in his writing that models how we, as imperfect people, can live in the brokenness of the world. In my favorite line of the book he says, “Because this mess I made I made with love.”
I have never been a provider who hides my age (I’m in my mid-40s) for the sake of business so I feel like I can say that as someone in my 40s, I have lived long enough to make a mess of my life a few times over. Life is messy! But if we strive to do so with love… that seems to me like a life worth living.
what I’m thinking about
I can’t fathom writing my Musing this week without bringing up the fact that Roe v. Wade was overturned by the Supreme Court last Friday. Indeed, the decision pushed me into a deep despair about the state of the world that I haven’t felt in some time (though to be honest, that I’m beginning to feel with increased regularly).
Perhaps, in that case, it is a propos that I chose to read a book this week that deals with both personal grief and political despair. While the main event of the book is Vuong’s uncle’s suicide and his mother’s death, it is also sprinkled with commentary on war, poverty, homophobia, racism, xenophobia, and more.
In a reflection on how he was coping with the tragedies in his life, he writes:
I let a man spit in my mouth
because my eyes wouldn’t water.
There have been times in my life when my own despair was so intense that I wasn’t able to feel much of anything—that I cut myself off from my own feelings. Indeed, I did not cry over Roe v Wade last Friday, though many of my friends did. Instead, I dissociated from the reality.
It struck me as I read this stanza that there are worse ways to allow yourself to feel again than turning to another person—a stranger, a lover, a sex worker. Sometimes we need someone else. Sometimes we need to feel their desire and their longings—even just their breath—in order to find our way back to ourselves. Sometimes in order to remember that we are alive we need a gentle embrace; sometimes it needs to be something more intense. Sometimes we need someone to spit in our mouths.
what I’m excited for
This week I did two photoshoots and am excited to send out the pictures once they are done! I’m also excited to spend the next 4 days up on Lake Erie. I could use some fresh air, a hike in the woods, and a swim in fresh water. I will take a few pics and share my adventures on Twitter and Instagram.
availability & booking
I will be booking in Erie, PA this weekend, Buffalo, NY later this month, and Washington, DC in August. I’ve never worked in DC and I’m hoping to meet some new friends there! Check out my website for tour schedule and more information!
