What I’m Reading
Last week I stumbled upon Torrey Peters’ best-selling novel Detransition Baby, a book that—through an unexpected pregnancy—ties together the lives of a cis woman, a trans woman, and a man who has recently detransitioned. The pregnancy forces all three to examine their relationship to motherhood/parenting through the lens of their varying gender identities.
As a cis woman whose life has been largely defined by motherhood, stories of motherhood always interest me, especially if they come from those with experiences or positionalities that are different from my own. This book certainly provides that. However, what really captured my interest and attention is the way the book frames divorce as a form of transition. The centrality of this theme can be found before even starting the book. The author, herself a trans woman, dedicates the book:
“To divorced cis women, who, like me, had to face starting their life over without either reinvesting in the illusions from the past, or growing bitter about the future.”
This understanding of divorce as a form of transition rings true to me. Those of you who know me also know that I am divorced. Those of you who know me well also know that my divorce coincided with other major life changes: that shortly after my divorce I also left the career that I was preparing my entire life up until then for (academia), and that only after this did my life as it is now take shape.
As I read this book, I was struck with the memory of my own naivety when I decided to get a divorce; I mistakenly believed that my life would just go on the way it was, but without my then-husband. At the time, I couldn’t comprehend the degree to which everything about my life would change. My divorce, it turns out, wasn’t just a “break up” that involved lawyers; my divorce was a radical transition into a new life, one where I became a different person.
Peters recognizes this and comments in the book, “Divorce is a transition story. Of course, not all divorced women go through it. I’m talking about the ones who felt their divorce as a fall, or as a total reframing of their lives. The ones who have seen how the narratives given to them since girlhood have failed them, and who know there is nothing to replace it all. But who still have to move forward without investing in new illusions or turning bitter—all with no plan to guide them. That’s as close to a trans woman as you can get.”
I have watched people close to me in my personal life transition and detransition and I certainly lay no claim to the kinds of struggles they have. And yet, I appreciated the recognition that divorce, too, is a form of transition. Such recognition certainly helps me to process the enormity of the shift in my own life, and to feel proud of the way that I moved through it without a road map to guide me.
I certainly don’t expect that most people who read my Musings are divorced, are mothers, or are women (the demographics this book and my own reflections this week focus on). And yet, I do believe that at some point, if we live long enough, we all have to learn to pick up the pieces and create something new of ourselves and our lives. If you are doing that now, love and solidarity.
What I’m Thinking About
(Photo credit: Peter Kim, Red Umbrella March, 2017)
This weekend is Labor Day so of course I’m thinking about labor solidarity. Given my own profession and community, I am thinking about the labor of sex workers—both seen and unseen.
I am thinking about the ways that we comfort the lonely, bring pleasure and beauty into the world, and help our clients and fans access parts of themselves and their sexuality that they may be unable to realize in other contexts.
I am also thinking about the way we run solo businesses, having to weather the ebb and flow of a volatile labor market with no paid time off, no safety net, and no protection. I am also thinking of the way that we must learn to do this gracefully despite criminalization, stigma, and overt discrimination.
I am always impressed by the ingenuity, creativity, and perseverance of the sex workers in my life, and grateful for their example and the work that they put into giving back to the communities that hold them.
I am also feeling gratitude to the clients who have shown me love and support, who recognize the value of my labor and go out of their way to show appreciation for it. I am grateful to have been able to forge meaningful relationships with both other workers and with clients, and for beauty and kindness that can be found in unexpected places.
I would be remiss if I didn’t use this opportunity to say: TIP YOUR FAVORITE SEX WORKERS!!!
Cashapp: $apiotextual
What I’m Excited About
(Photo credit: PJ Patella-Rey)
It is a holiday weekend and I’m taking the weekend off for the first time in a long time. I honestly don’t remember the last time I didn’t work on a weekend! I am catching up with my friends, and going to a burlesque event, and spending time with my family.
On a Labor Day note, I am also very excited to have gotten the finances for my business shaped up with the help of my assistant Brynn, and the spreadsheet wizardry of one of my clients. It’s good to be self-employed, it’s even better to be self-employed with some support!
Availability & Booking
I will be taking appointments in Pittsburgh starting on Wednesday, September 7. I will be in Pittsburgh most of the month except for two trips.
Buffalo: September 10-11
NYC: September 23-26
My travel calendar is kept up to date on my website.
