What I’m Reading
This week I finished Chris Belcher’s sex work memoir Pretty Baby (you can find my reflections about the first half of the book here). While the first half was about the challenges of growing up as a lesbian in West Virginia, the second half was about her entry into sex work under the mentorship of the lover she had while in grad school—her lover, of course, being a professional dominatrix.
New clients often ask me how I got into sex work, and I never know how to answer a complex question in a light and conversational way.
I was going through a divorce.
I dropped out of grad school.
I started dating someone that was working as a cam model.
I hated camming but learned a lot about the sex work community while doing it.
I needed a flexible schedule.
I’m an introvert who loathes small talk and wants to get right to the heart of things.
I have an endless curiosity about the desires of others.
I discovered that escorting meets a lot of my financial, sexual, and social needs and that I’m relatively good at it.
I find it rather easy to create and enjoy intimacy with strangers.
It’s a job—and I need to work.
As sex workers, I feel like we get asked to account for our choices (if they are choices) in a way that those in other professions are not. After all, only a small subset of the population knows what they want to be when they grow up and follow a straight and narrow path to realizing it.
Most people, in other words, make a series of choices that lead them to where they are (choices that are often shaped and/or limited by accidents of birth and life circumstances), and this seems like a good enough reason as any to do what they do.
For sex workers, though, this never seems like a good enough reason. When someone asks me how I became an escort, I can hear the subtext: There must be some reason that we are working in a criminalized and stigmatized industry. What happened?
One of the things that I appreciate about Belcher’s book is that she answers the question, “What happened?” in a straightforward way that shows that falling into sex work can be as mundane as falling into insurance sales. From the early escorting experiences to the dominatrix training she received as a byproduct of her romantic relationship with a pro domme, it is clear that “What happened?” is she had sex workers in her life that showed her how to make money when she needed it. Belcher does a brilliant job of bringing the oft-cited “sex work is work” mantra to life through personal narrative.
What I’m Thinking About
In Pretty Baby, Belcher spends a great deal of time laying out the work of sex work: screening and booking clients, upkeeping a high-femme aesthetic, advertising, negotiating boundaries with clients, collecting money without breaking the fantasy, etc.
Because she’s a dominatrix, she also talks about setting a safe word and training her submissives to obey commands. She discusses teaching them to use the word “mercy” when her beatings or her humiliation tactics became more than they can safely handle.
There are a few points throughout the book where she wishes that she can also safe-word her way out of a scene with a client. On one such occasion, she describes humiliating a new client for his fatness and then describes the discomfort she felt when she took it further than either of them was comfortable with. She comments that if it were possible, she would have gone back in time and said “mercy” before he was on the floor crying in shame.
When reflecting on that moment, and her desire to use “mercy” in the way her clients do, she comments, almost as an afterthought, “I was the domme, no one needed to take mercy on me.”
I am not a dominatrix, nor a lifestyle BDSM practitioner, and so I do not use safe words in either my work or my personal life. And yet, I understand exactly what Belcher means.
Much of sex work is care work; it is putting someone else’s needs above your own and giving them the gift of undivided presence and attention. The time that I am with clients is perhaps the only time in my life that I am not also checking messages, planning my next article, and running through my never-ending to-do list. I am there for one purpose, and it is to create a fantasy that someone else can get lost in.
The question Belcher implicitly asks here is an important one: who is caring for the caregivers? That is to say, who will show mercy on us when living inside the fantasies of others burns us out or triggers us? When humiliating a client for his fatness brings to mind our own body image issues and when our reserve of sexual energy has been depleted?
Those of us who are lucky enough to go home to supportive and loving partners may feel this less acutely. But for those who can’t, it doesn’t seem like enough to suggest a bubble bath, a glass of wine, or retail therapy.
I want to be clear that I have many clients with whom I have genuine connections, and who go out of their way to make my life easier and more enjoyable; I am forever very grateful to them! This does not erase the fact, however, that as a sex worker, I have a job that is emotionally taxing and physically demanding. In which being “on” carries an intensity that is hard to describe to anyone who doesn’t do the work.
I am inclined to say that this is where community comes in, to say that being in community with other sex workers is really the only key to longevity in the business. I think that there is truth here. However, I am reticent to pile more work on my already overworked colleagues.
So instead, I will just urge you, as clients, to show us a little mercy from time to time.
What I’m Excited About
Last weekend I took some time off and went white water rafting in West Virginia. I love a good road trip, and the entire experience was beautiful. This is my fourth year in a row taking this trip and I’ve decided that next year I’m going to opt for the slightly harder rafting trip and go during “Gauley Season,” when they release the damn water. I can’t wait to experience that!
To my disappointment, my St. Louis trip was canceled this week but I’m going to reschedule something special with the client who I was going with. I can’t wait to see what pops up to take this trip’s place!
Availability & Booking
I’m excited to head back up to Buffalo this weekend. I’m looking forward to seeing both old and new friends! I have one more spot on Saturday so please feel free to reach out if you’re in Buffalo or the surrounding area.
Aug 19-21: Buffalo
Aug 22-31: Pittsburgh
Sept 2-5: Boston
Sept 6-22: Pittsburgh
Sept 23-26: NYC
My travel calendar is kept up to date on my website.
