What I’m Reading
This week, while on a solo road trip to Niagara Falls (which was spectacularly beautiful, by the way!) I listened to Joan Didion’s Blue Nights.
The book itself is a lyrical reflection on family, love, parenting, aging, and loss—written in the wake of her daughter’s death.
For these short weekly Musings, I have chosen to not write about any of this; though I will offer a gentle nudge to read the book if any of these themes touch you, as well as an acknowledgment that at some point, they touch us all.
Instead, I want to highlight a passing quote—the words of British-American poet W.H. Auden—offered as a gift at a 21st birthday celebration described in the book:
So I wish you first a
Sense of theatre; only
Those who love illusion
And know it will go far —
I spent much of my drive ruminating on this notion of wishing someone (as a birthday gift, no less), a sense of theatre and a love of illusion. In our social media culture that prizes authenticity as realness, there is something that feels counter-intuitive about this.
Indeed, it is rather common for my clients to get hung up on the “realness” of our interactions, relationship, or feelings for each other, believing that our time together would be cheapened if it fell short of some authentic measure.
I want to suggest, in the spirit of Auden, that perhaps this is the wrong way to think about the sort of relationships and experiences that we cultivate within the context of sex work. Perhaps reframing the session as a form of theater breathes vitality and creativity into the mundanity of everyday life. Maybe it isn’t cheap at all—but quite profound!
I am reminded of an essay I read in grad school on a similar theme. Canadian philosopher Ronald deSousa wrote a compelling essay in which he argues, “There is a place for the idea that the experience of love itself can be, by mutual consent, consciously simulated or played. That is the theater of love.”
Interestingly, deSousa sites commercial sex as one of the places where this aesthetic, theatrical experience of love can be present, taking seriously the relationships and experiences that providers and clients co-create. Moreover, it is the boundedness of the session, he argues, that makes this possible. “It can remain primarily an aesthetic experience, a piece of theater, a form of play,” he says. “This is because both parties agree to keep the experience of romantic love confined inside a kind of frame isolated from the rest of their lives and expectations.”
I close this discussion with an invitation to think about the value of theater, illusion, and play in all of our interactions.
What I’m Thinking About
In the past year or so I have been working through Didion’s corpus, in part because her writing about the culture and history of California (where I am from) has given me insight into my own feelings of rootlessness.
I am from somewhere—specifically, I am from San Diego—but when I hear the people in my life who are from Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Atlanta, Chicago, or New York City talk about where they are from, I am always struck by the qualitative differences in our experience of “home.”
When recently asked by someone from Pittsburgh what our Christmas traditions were when I was growing up—what we did, what we ate—I had to admit that we didn’t have any. We ate whatever we felt like eating, just like any other day. Those who were around would show up, but transience was a norm and expectation, one just as deeply entrenched as the rootedness of the multi-generational Pittsburgh families I have come to know since moving here.
The lack of traditions could be chalked up to the absence of the seasons that mark time in most parts of the country. But it is more than this. In Where I Was From, Didion comments, “Not much about California, on its own preferred terms, has encouraged its children to see themselves as connected to one another.”
There is an individualism that is baked into the identity and the ethos of the people from California. It is a tradition in its own right—one that is passed down generationally in the same way that making perogies on Christmas Eve is passed down in Pittsburgh’s ethnic communities.
In Didion’s words, “They who came to California were not the self-satisfied, happy and content people, but the adventurous, the restless, the daring. They were different even from those who settled in other western states. They didn’t come west for homes and security, but for adventure and money.”
Interestingly, my mother, who struggled at first with the knowledge that I have made a career of sex work, came to terms with my decision through the framework of our Californian roots and our family history. In a letter I wish I still had (it must be somewhere—but in true nomadic Californian fashion, I am terrible at keeping artifacts, even those I value), she told me that her father, a career Navy fighter pilot who slung moonshine with his brothers as a young kid to escape the poverty of the Virginia farm they grew up on, valued survival more than he valued cultural norms or arbitrary laws. She said that while she didn’t know what his opinion of sex work would have been, she knows that he would be proud of the way I bravely live my life.
This week, I am thinking about the fact that it is no surprise that I have chosen to live my life the way I do. I am from California, that is to say, I am from a people who are adventurous, restless, and daring (to borrow Didion’s words). My home is what I make it, my people are those I choose, and my rules are my own. No one passed me down any family recipes (I’m not even sure that anyone who is related to me knows how to cook), but they did pass down this spirit.
What I’m Excited About
This past weekend I went up to Niagara Falls to have a fun adventure with one of my regulars. I am enjoying all of the extended dates I have been having, and the space that they open for adventure!
In addition to a casual walk around one of the 7 natural wonders of the world (!) and a corset tightening session, in the not-too-distant future I will be going to a Broadway show in New York City, I have my first nuru massage session booked (I can’t wait for some slippery fun!), and I get to play a sexy boss bitch (just to name a few!).
This job is amazing in the amount of genuine and exciting adventure that it brings to my life, and the sweet clients who go out of their way to experience these things with me. I have very lucky!
Availability & Booking
My google calendar looks wild and if I didn’t have my amazing assistant Brynn to help me keep track of everything, I would have a panic attack!
I’ll do my best to lay out my availability.
July 22-29: Booking in Pittsburgh, PA
July 29-August 2: Off – though I will be in Buffalo, NY on August 1st and will consider select bookings.
August 3-8: Booking in Washington, DC, and surrounding areas.
August 9-11: Booking in Pittsburgh, PA
August 12-14: Off
August 15-31: Booking in Pittsburgh, PA
In September, I’ll be taking bookings in Pittsburgh, Boston, and NYC! Check out my travel page for more info.
