What’s So Great About Work, Anyway?

What I’m Reading:

You can listen to the audio version of this Musing here.

Recently, my house has felt like it has a revolving door. The holidays are always busy, but in addition to the normal holiday shuffle, I also have been working on some ongoing home improvement projects—with the help of a dear client who has mad skills—that have made my life (and my house!) extra busy. I am currently writing this Musing on my laptop while lounging on the chaise that he rebuilt for my office. I lived a charmed life!

I’ve also been working with my assistant to create a new podcast. It’s always fun to create something new, but it’s especially great when collaboration is smooth, and ideas are flowing. I will share more about the podcast soon!

In other words, I haven’t had much time for reading. Instead of sharing a book with you today, I want to share some thoughts I have about a persistent cluster of related claims I continue to run into on social media. Namely: Sex work isn’t real work; Sex workers should get real jobs; Sex workers are in it for the quick cash and don’t want to work like the rest of us… etc.

These claims are leveled against us from many directions: from SWERFs, incels, liberals who buy into anti-trafficking propaganda, religious conservatives, people who think that money is not a legitimate reason to have sex, etc.

Anyone who has tried to make a living in the sex industry can easily defend against these claims. In fact, it is an oft-cited truism among us that  while sex work is “quick money,” it is not “easy money.” When it’s good, sex work may command high hourly rates, but there is a lot of invisible labor that goes into every single sexual transaction.

Indeed, sex workers are often quick to list what that invisible labor consists of: photoshoots, website development/maintenance, advertising, copywriting, social media management, content creation, video/photo editing, personal maintenance like hair and nails, corresponding with clients, screening, logistics planning, bookkeeping, etc. In other words, while it may look like we pocket $500 for, say, a one-hour session, there are countless hours and dollars invested behind the scenes that make the one-hour interaction possible. Simply put, sex work is work.

What I’m Thinking About:

Making a living as a sex worker is, indeed, a lot of work. We do not simply, as one Reddit commenter suggests, lay on our back and spread our legs (I refuse to link to this nonsense).  Moreover, I understand the desire to legitimate our work, especially in the face of enormous stigma and criminalization. Afterall, it is impossible to fight against these very entrenched ideologies and laws without a coherent and compelling story about sex work as a job—just like other jobs. There are strategic reasons why sex worker rights discourse has often taken the form of labor rights discourse.

And yet, there are stories that we, as sex workers, tell those outside of sex work, and then there are stories that we tell ourselves and each other. Yes, yes; a blow job is a real job. But is it a job like flipping burgers, weaving a basket, programming a computer, or building a house? (And is that even the most interesting thing to say about a blow job?) Or, is it something else altogether? As I have said before: sex work is work, but it is also sex. And sex, well, sex is a lot of things! Too many to get into here.

To say that sex workers should get a “real job” is to suggest that sex workers don’t have a solid work ethic, an insult to Americans who have been raised on a steady diet of bootstrapping narratives.  In defense of this accusation, sex workers can remind folks that much of our labor is invisible and that we work more hours than they imagine. We can also piggyback on feminist theorists who remind us that emotional labor, caretaking, and the soft skills sex workers have are valuable to the functioning of our society.

All of this is true. We could do this. But should we? What, after all, is so good about work anyway? The question I keep asking myself is this: Do we want sex work to be a job… like other jobs? And importantly, why do we, as a culture, valorize jobs at all?

Having dropped out of conventional employment to forge my living in the sex industry nearly a decade ago, I’ve come to recognize that the beauty of sex work, as a job, is precisely that it doesn’t follow the same rules of conventional employment. We have to work, (in this capitalist hellscape, money, unfortunately, doesn’t fall from the sky), but sex work plays by its own rules. Perhaps sex workers don’t have “real jobs”; perhaps this is a feature, not a bug.

Perhaps sex workers don’t have “real jobs”: perhaps this is a feature, and not a bug.

To say that sex work plays by its own rules is not to suggest that sex work is a free-for-all. Though it doesn’t follow the norms of conventional employment, sex work has its own set of norms. This week, I put some thought into what those norms may be. Here is what I came up with, feel free to reach out if you think of ways I can expand on this list.

1. Everything can wait if it needs to. Unlike contemporary work culture that pushes deadlines and schedules, sex workers can work on their own timelines. While many folks who coach sex workers on success in the industry will say that consistency is key, I have often found this advice anathema to many of the reasons I got into sex work to begin with. I have a complex life, as do most sex workers, and that life often doesn’t allow me to adhere to a rigid schedule. And you know what, that’s okay. It can all wait.
2. There are no dick emergencies. We are service providers like any other professional service provider. As such, clients can follow our lead and schedule around our lives and other obligations. Everything, including horniness, can wait if it needs to.
3. Boundaries are key. In my non-sex work employment, boundaries were discouraged. I remember, as a teacher, being pushed into an unsafe situation with a student who was actively stalking and harassing me because the administration was afraid of him. They threw me under the bus to save their reputation, and this was relatively commonplace. It wasn’t until I became a sex worker that I learned, from other sex workers, how to listen to my instincts and assert and hold my boundaries.
4. Neurodivergence and disability are normal. As someone with ADHD and other undiagnosed learning disabilities, work culture often made me feel like a square peg that was being stuffed into a round hole. Things just didn’t work, and I was made to feel like I was the problem. In sex work, I have found a community of folks who have had similar experiences in conventional employment, and who have been much more comfortable and successful in the sex industry. Autistic folks, trans folks, disabled folks, chronically sick folks, folks with complex trauma. Folks who need space to be able to do things in a way that makes sense for them. Sex work is often one of the few places that offers real accommodations.
5. Don’t block anyone else’s bag. We are all out here trying to survive. Helping each other do so is always more effective than undermining one another. Operate from a place of abundance rather than scarcity. When you’re up, share the wealth. I guarantee that when the tables turn (and they will), it’ll come back to you.
6. Don’t ask anyone to do unpaid labor when paid labor is available. This is simple. We should value our labor and other people’s labor. Pay them for their work! In my previous life as an academic, there was such a tremendous expectation of free labor. Only folks who aren’t fighting for survival can afford to offer free labor, thus further stratifying the economic divide. Assume everyone has something of value to offer, and pay them for it.
7. Take care of the people around you, and they will take care of you. No further explanation is necessary.

We do not need to work full time in a conventional sense to ground our work in an ethics that takes community, relationships, health, and well-being seriously. Sex workers already do this. Rather than thinking about work from the standpoint of productivity and bottom lines, we can reimagine work as a form of care. Care for clients, care for each other, care for our families, and care for ourselves. Perhaps instead of telling sex workers to “get a real job,” folks should look to us as examples of another way of being in the world.

What I’m Excited About:

Did I tell you I have a new podcast launching at the beginning of 2024?? I have a new podcast launching! I can’t wait to share more information with you, but I have been busily recording and planning for it with my producer, Emily.

Also, I am excited to have launched my sexy postcards! A couple of people have already ordered them, and I am looking forward to getting those in the mail this weekend!

Would you like a letter? A handwritten postcard? A touch of tenderness in an otherwise cold season? I am now offering all of these, and have more information and an order form on my website.

Booking & Availability:  

I will be in Pittsburgh for the remainder of 2023. I will be taking bookings in Pittsburgh for all of December.

In January of I have two trips planned. I’ll be in New York City from Jan 11-14. My trip is almost entirely booked, I probably only have time for 1 or two more appointments while I’m there. If you’re in NYC and would like to book, I suggest you reach out soon!

I’ll also be going to Buffalo, NY from Jan 26-28.

If I haven’t come to your city and you’d like to see me, you could consider booking a sponsored tour! You can find out more about those on the Patronage page of my website. Feel free to shoot me an email with suggested cities: Cybele_rain@protonmail.com.