What I’m Reading
I have a book-buying problem (I also have a shoe and lingerie-buying problem, but that is a topic for another day!). To ease my guilt about the money I spend buying books—many of which I’ll never get around to reading—I try very hard to support local and independent bookstores.
My favorite independent bookstore is New York City’s Bluestocking Collective, which is obviously not local to me, but it is my favorite because of its commitment to sex-working writers! I went for the first time with one of my lovely clients while touring NYC and I was so excited to see an entire row of books about sex work, written by sex workers!
In a gesture of support, I became a member and one of the benefits of membership is that they send me a surprise book every month. This month I was excited to receive Erin Taylor’s Bimboland, a book of poetry that boldly proclaims that there is “no revolution without whore revolution.”
Taylor’s poetry is, in part, about being a whore, but it is also about so much more: urban life, capitalism, leftist politics, desire, family, and loneliness. For the purpose of this Musing, while I could have pulled from any number of threads, the one that stood out most to me is that of longing. Taylor speaks brilliantly of those insatiable desires that we carry inside our bodies.
What I’m Thinking About
I have been struggling with how to write this section, pondering whether language can adequately describe the deep longing I feel—the longing that makes me return, over and over again, to hotel rooms with my favorite clients. I am thinking about the moments that linger in my imagination long after our time together has ended…
About last week when, as I looked behind to make sure I wasn’t too close to the end of the bed, my client took my head in his hands, looked into my eyes, and said, “I’ve got you.”
About this week when I told a different client that I wanted my body to be filled, and I meant it with an intensity that I do not think he fully believed. I would have begged him to fuck me if I had to.
And about last night after one of our characteristically intense sessions, when my regular turned to me in a post-coital haze said b between pants, “It is a good thing we don’t see each other more often, we would kill each other.”
All of these instances—and many more—came to mind when I read Taylor’s poem “Exhibition Camp Remorse,” which starts,
Nothing worse than an insatiable woman!
Masturbating over giving footjobs under tables,
Over past touching that couldn’t even fill me
I also wonder if I will ever be able to be filled, or if that is even a desirable goal. Maybe it is the intense longing for touch (the kind of touch that turns me inside out) that fuels my desire to continually return.
Like a footjob under the table, all of these moments stick with me. I don’t only remember what it feels like to be gently held and reassured, to throb with longing, and to be threatened with annihilation—I feel all of those moments intensely in my body. I want to replay them over and over again. It is for this reason that I understand why, in their poem “Nobody Fucks Anymore,” Taylor says,
I only want to be touched if you’re down to touch me
Again and again
Again and again is also what I want. It is what I need. Perhaps we should all be fucking, all of the time. Leave it to a poet to cut straight to the core of things.
What I’m Excited About
I’ll be in Cleveland this weekend for the first time! Though one of my clients jokingly called it “The Mistake by the Lake,” I’m actually really looking forward to seeing a new city. Even my client admitted, after some prodding, that this is just some sort of Pittsburgh rivalry, and that Cleveland is quite nice.
I’m staying downtown with my friend and colleague Mia Grey, and we will also be able to spend some time with my Cleveland-based friend and fellow sex working writer Lucy Bloom! Lucy and I are so close I like to jokingly call her my “work wife.” Can’t wait to spend some time with the wifey.
If you’re feeling generous and want to treat the three of us to dinner while I’m there, I’m sure we could grace you with cute pics of the event! We already have one dinner covered thanks to a dear friend and client of Lucy and mine (Thank you, J!). You could do that on Cashapp: $apiotextual or Venmo: @jessiesage.
Availability & Booking
If you’re in Cleveland and want to session with Mia, myself, or the two of us together (!), you know how to find me!
Cleveland, OH | Feb 9-12
Buffalo, NY | March 3-5
Chicago, IL | March 16-19
Houston, TX | April 6-9
Sedona, AZ | Jun 16-20
Pittsburgh, PA in between
My travel calendar is kept up to date on my website.
