What I’m Reading
Last November, the Huffington Post published an article by freelance writer Leah Shefoe (a pseudonym) about her decision to lose her virginity at 59 to a male sex worker.
Due to her autism (which made her feel drained by social interactions), and her history of abuse (which made her fear men), Shefoe was 59 before she felt open to sex. As her health declined because of a heart condition, the desire to have positive sexual experiences became more acute. She comments, “I wanted to know what it would be like to be held, kissed, and caressed.”
With some hesitance she reached out to a male escort, writing him this:
Once in my life, I’d like to have a sensual experience with a man I find attractive, and who is patient, sensitive, and doesn’t put pressure on me. I want to touch and be touched by such a man.
The sincerity (and simplicity) of this desire touched me, as did her courage to ask for exactly what she needed. Like many requests for sexual services, she framed the inquiry in terms of her desires for a sensual/sexual experience, but she found that the relationship she developed with the escort she reached out to became about so much more.
“Despite what many people think, hiring an escort is not always about paying for sex,” she says. “Men who are successful escorts have to be understanding, adaptable and unselfish.” I would argue that this is the mark of a successful escort of any gender.
Sex, whether it is paid for or not, is almost always about more. Sexual intimacy is not just putting body parts together, it requires more of us. More openness. More vulnerability. And also more care. Indeed, it was only when she found an escort that showed her the care that she needed that she was able to have the sexual adventures she craved.
What I’m Thinking About
Sex work discourse, especially on Twitter, seems to suggest that there is no space or no market for male sex workers, especially not ones who primarily cater to women.
It is true that the market of straight women looking for male sex workers is smaller by large margins (in reading her description of their relationship I was struck by how much time he spent talking to her before they met, something I can only attribute to a marked difference in client volume—even if I wanted to do that, I just wouldn’t have the time). And yet, what her story brought to light for me is the important role straight male sex workers can play for women like Shefoe who need a very safe and bounded intimacy (the very service that sex workers provide).
I think that part of the resistance to the idea of straight male escorts that comes from the sex work community hinges on two things: bad behavior of male sex workers, and the belief that dick is cheap and plentiful (afterall, why would a woman need to pay for sex with a man?).
I can’t really speak to the first issue. Sex workers are people and people of all genders behave badly sometimes. Moreover, in a patriarchal culture where men get away with bad behavior more often (and where their bad behavior has more serious consequences for women), I’m sure it is the case that there are a lot of badly behaved male sex workers. I am not here to debate that.
To the second point, however, I think that the idea that dick is cheap and therefore there is no role for straight male sex workers undercuts the important work that sex workers do. While cis women sex workers may joke amongst themselves about “selling pussy,” anyone who has been in this job for any length of time knows that clients come to sex workers for much more than access to our bodies.
Years ago when I interviewed a long-time client of sex workers for an article I was writing I asked him what he went to escorts for. I’ve carried his answer with me for a long time. He said, “I come in and put sex on the table, everything else is a hidden agenda item.”
While I am a fan of direct communication and the idea of coming in with a “hidden agenda” seems a bit manipulative, I do not think that he meant that in a literal way. Instead, I think that he meant that sex is a concrete thing that is easy to ask for, and the more emotional needs—those often get met in the process of an intimate encounter.
The care that sex workers provide to clients of all genders, all orientations, and all levels of experience is valuable and I am so happy that this woman was able to find that in a person to whom she was attracted. We should hope for a world in which everyone can have that.
What I’m Excited About
Let’s see… I’ve been planning a trip to Ohio and I’m excited that I’m traveling with a friend! Mia Grey will be coming with me and we are looking forward to some duo sessions, some individual sessions, and some fun out on the town.
I’m also looking forward to returning to Buffalo next week, a place with people who have always been good to me! I just hope the weather holds out!
I also love the new photo set I did with Elizabeth Craig last week (sneak peak down below). The rest of those pics will be trickling out in the weeks to come!
Other than that, I’m just plugging along.
Availability & Booking
I’m available in Pittsburgh and have limited slots available for a few lucky suitors on my upcoming trips to Buffalo and Cleveland.
Buffalo, NY | Jan 20-22
Cleveland, OH | Feb 9-12
My travel calendar is kept up to date on my website.
