What I’m Reading
The last couple of weeks, for me, have been intense and challenging. “Intensely challenging” may be the best way to describe how my life has felt recently. While I will not get into them here, a combination of personal and professional circumstances have left me feeling defeated. Or deflated. Or lost. Perhaps lost is the best way to describe how I’ve been feeling.
For this reason, stumbling across David Wagoner’s poem of the same name felt like a gift: a lighthouse to help me find my way through the darkness.
While I will not reprint the poem in its entirety, I will offer you a few lines from the beginning and end.
Stand still. The trees ahead and the bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
You must treat it as a powerful stranger
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
. . .
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely not lost. Stand still. The forest
Knows where you are. You must let it find you.
What I’m Thinking About
This poem stood out to me because it offered advice that is the exact opposite of my impulse. For me, the feeling of being lost is often accompanied with an overwhelming fear of not knowing what I am supposed to do; or in other words, I do not know what actions to take and this feeling scares me. I often feel like I am scrambling to quickly come up with answers to the question, “What should I do?”
In both the opening and the closing of this poem the imperative is to “stand still.” I’ve been playing this over and over in my head, as if it is a mantra, for the last couple of days.
In a culture that is obsessed with productivity and action, the notion of standing still—of doing nothing—feels profoundly uncomfortable. Moreover, the idea that this inaction will bring the clarity that I’m looking for is counterintuitive. I have been toying with the idea that instead of scrambling for the answer, I can instead become comfortable sitting with the question.
In addition to this question of being lost, a propros to my work, this poem also made me think about the magic of the sex work session, where providers and clients are called together as powerful strangers, asking each other to know and be known. This is one of my favorite parts of the job, a very special experience that I’m always grateful for.
What I’m Excited About
Those of you who have been following me know that I love fall. I’m from a place with no seasons (San Diego), and living in a part of the world with distinct seasons has mystified me ever since moving to this region of the country.
This weekend I am taking a little road trip up to Buffalo, and I’m very excited for the three and a half hour drive because this is the prettiest time of the year to take that drive. I love a good road trip, a road trip in fall is my favorite! I’ll take some pictures while I’m out and about this weekend.
Availability & Booking
Buffalo, NY: October 15-16
Akron, OH: November 1-2
Boston, MA: November 11-14
Pittsburgh in between
My travel calendar is kept up to date on my website.
