What I’m Reading
This week has been one crazy week from hell with the start of the new school year, a holiday, and more. I am embarrassed to say that I didn’t read anything more involved than my Twitter feed—I just didn’t have the bandwidth.
I did, however, watch a couple of episodes of the newest season of Married at First Sight, the reality show where couples meet for the first time at the altar, and also of Indian Matchmaking, which is more or less exactly what it sounds like.
I am no cultural critic, having perhaps seen no more than 3 movies in the theatre in the last twenty years, so you can perhaps ignore this entire section. But this is what you get when I’m too tired to read; apologies in advance!
I am a hopeless romantic who craves a good love story, and for this reason I eat up all these relationship-oriented reality TV shows. Besides the drama of romance, another thing I find interesting about them is that they bring to the fore many of our cultural assumptions about dating and relationships.
It’s reality television, to be sure, and we all know that reality television isn’t “real.” But on the other hand, these shows do act as a mirror, reflecting our cultural values back to us. They may be exaggerations engineered for high ratings, but they are rooted in something familiar to all of us.
Each time I watch one of these shows, I am reminded of the many ways in which we are raised to view romantic relationships through the lens of battle: each person vying for control and dominance, each trying to fulfill their own needs with little compromise. Indeed, in both shows, the matchmakers ask the contestants what they are looking for in a partner, and each contest rattles off traits that seem most compatible with their current wants and needs, without considering that relationships are dynamic and that when we are truly open and vulnerable in them, they change us.
I do not think that there is anything wrong with having expectations of your partner or knowing what you want. I do wonder, however, if going in with rigid expectations and ideas of what a perfect partner or relationship looks like—coupled with the adversarial tone of heteronormative culture—doesn’t cut us off from experiencing truly beautiful connections, in all their forms.
What would these shows look like if contestants came in open, tossing out the scripts of what they think relationships are supposed to be, and took those they encounter on their own terms, allowing for pleasure, connection, and beauty along the way? I want to watch that show.
What I’m Thinking About
Interestingly, while I’m watching dating and relationship reality TV, I’m being harassed by a reply guy on Twitter (harassed is perhaps a strong word, maybe annoyed?) who is upset that I said that I don’t date clients because it feels like doing my job for free (given that I’m an escort who goes on dates professionally, going on dates with clients would literally be doing my job for free). I simply stated a fact.
He accused me of being closed off to love. This is obviously a straw man argument; I didn’t say that I’m not romantic, closed off to love or that I don’t have a personal life. I also didn’t say that the structure of the session—with the payment that binds the relationship to the session—precludes any of these things. The provider/client relationship can be extremely worthwhile, erotic, and loving, and turning it into a more conventional dating relationship doesn’t guarantee that it will be better. In fact, it may do just the opposite.
Last week I wrote about the book Detransition Baby. What I didn’t get into in those Musings but is a propos of this conversation is a scene where one of the characters, Amy, found refuge and fulfillment in a relationship with a provider, Kaya, who offered her an experience she was afraid to ask for in other contexts of her life. Interestingly, when the provider started cutting her discounts and changing the structure of their interactions, she liked it less. Indeed, “Amy enjoyed herself more when she paid.”
In a passage that feels very true to the experience of sex work, from both client and provider perspectives, the author writes, “At four hundred dollars an hour, however, the compunction to hold back crumbled, and so there Amy was, sucking on Kaya’s tits, calling her mommy, while Kaya wiggled a finger in her and asked if she was old enough to be such a dirty slut. But at the price Kaya asked for the second and third time—a hundred dollars and some takeout Thai— Amy once again found herself shy. A hundred dollars and some Thai food didn’t offer enough value for Amy to feel entitled to her own desires.”
I am not suggesting that we cannot have our most base sexual desires fulfilled outside of the context of sex work, indeed, finding a partner who you are open enough with to be able to ask for what you want is lovely. But finding that on the lap of a provider is also lovely, and there is nothing at all sad (to use a word of my reply guy), in recognizing that sometimes limits create fertile possibilities.
What I’m Excited About
(Photo credit: PJ Patella-Rey)
On Sunday I went to a burlesque brunch and became inspired by all of the beautiful women on stage. When the emcee announced that a new 10-week Intro to Burlesque class was opening up, I did something impulsive (for me!) and joined the class.
Wednesday was the first night and it was sooooo fun! I started to learn to wiggle my hips and walk seductively and I can’t wait to actually put some of these steps together and really learn the art of strip tease.
I’ve never claimed to have coordination or rhythm, but I’m hoping that I gain some sexy skills. I’ll keep you posted!
Availability & Booking
I’m excited to be back in Buffalo this weekend! Additionally, I’ve added Boston to my travel and am available in Pittsburgh in between my trips.
Buffalo: September 10-11
NYC: September 23-26
Boston: November 11-14
My travel calendar is kept up to date on my website.
